Tag: Pantry staple pasta recipes

Real-AF Recipes

Real-AF Recipe: Potty Mouth Panda’s Emergency Pesto Pasta

Potty Mouth Panda

WHY YOU NEED THIS:
Because some nights you’re three seconds away from serving cereal for dinner (again), and that’s okay. This pesto pasta is your lifeline – minimal effort, maximum flavor, and zero fucks given. Plus, it’s technically green, so that counts as a vegetable, right?

📝 INGREDIENTS (OR WHATEVER’S IN YOUR PANTRY)

  • 12 oz pasta (any shape – even that half-box of spaghetti from 3 months ago works)
  • 1/2 cup olive oil (or whatever oil won’t make the smoke alarm go off)
  • 1/3 cup grated Parmesan (the cheap, shelf-stable kind is fine)
  • 1 garlic clove (or 1 tsp garlic powder if you’re really not trying)
  • 2 cups fresh spinach (optional, but let’s pretend we’re adults here)
  • 1/4 cup nuts (pine nuts, walnuts, or whatever’s not expired in your pantry)
  • Salt & pepper (to taste, or just shake some in like you mean it)
  • Juice of 1/2 lemon (if you have it, if not, send it anyway)

👩‍🍳 DIRECTIONS (AKA “HOW TO NOT BURN DOWN THE KITCHEN”)

1️⃣ COOK THE DAMN PASTA

  • Boil pasta in salted water until al dente (or until you remember it’s on the stove).
  • Drain, but save 1/2 cup pasta water (this is your “oh shit” insurance policy).

2️⃣ MAKE THE PESTO (OR DON’T, I’M NOT THE BOSS OF YOU)

  • In a blender/food processor (or a bowl with a fork if you’re keeping it real), combine:
    • Spinach, garlic, nuts, Parmesan, and lemon juice.
    • Pulse until it looks like green mush (that’s the good stuff).
    • Slowly drizzle in olive oil while blending (or just dump it in and hope for the best).

3️⃣ MIX IT ALL TOGETHER (THIS IS WHERE THE MAGIC HAPPENS)

  • Toss the pasta with the pesto. If it’s too thick, add pasta water 1 tbsp at a time until it’s saucy.
  • Taste. Need salt? Add it. Need pepper? Go nuts. Need to zone out for 5 minutes? That’s step 4.

4️⃣ SERVE (OR EAT IT STRAIGHT FROM THE POT, WE’VE ALL BEEN THERE)

  • Top with extra Parmesan (or not, who cares).
  • Optional: Add crushed red pepper if your kids won’t stage a protest.
  • Pair with: Your favorite edible, a deep breath, or silent gratitude that dinner didn’t involve chicken nuggets (this time).

🍃 POTTY MOUTH PRO TIPS

  • “No blender?” Chop everything super fine and call it “rustic chic.”
  • “No nuts?” Skip ’em. This isn’t Top Chef.
  • “Too zooted to function?” Use store-bought pesto. No shame in your game.

💸 UPGRADE TO MY MEAL PLANS (COMING SOON!)

“This recipe is a sneak peek of my paid meal plans, where I do the thinking so you don’t have to. Imagine:
✅ Done-for-you grocery lists (no more forgetting the damn pasta)
✅ 4-week rotating menus (so you never hear “this again?!”)
✅ Stoner-proof prep hacks (because cooking elevated is an art form)

Want first dibs? Drop a comment or slide into my DMs over on socials. Until then, enjoy your damn pasta.