Listen up, you beautiful disaster of a human. If you’re reading this, it means you’ve reached that special stage of parenting where you’re willing to cook actual protein but refuse to do more than the absolute bare fucking minimum. I see you. I am you. And this recipe? It’s our golden ticket to looking like we’ve got our shit together while secretly putting in negative effort.
WHY THIS RECIPE SLAYS:
Because chicken tenders are the universal language of “please just eat something besides god damn goldfish”, and these ones come with a secret weapon: enough Parmesan to disguise the fact that they’re technically real food. Plus, we’re roasting veggies alongside because balance or what the fuck ever.
📝 INGREDIENTS: THE SHOPPING LIST OF BROKEN DREAMS
For the Chicken (The Main Event):
- 2 lbs chicken tenders (or breasts cut into strips if you’re feeling fancy)
- 1 cup panko breadcrumbs (or crushed cornflakes if you’re ghetto gourmet)
- ½ cup grated Parmesan (the cheap, shelf-stable kind is perfect)
- 2 eggs (beaten like they owe you money)
Seasoning Blend (The Flavor Savior):
- 1 tsp garlic powder (because peeling actual garlic is for suckers)
- 1 tsp Italian seasoning (or just oregano if that’s all you’ve got)
- ½ tsp salt (or to taste, if you’re one of those people who measures things with your heart)
For the Sides (The Vegetable Illusion):
- 1 lb green beans (fresh or frozen – we don’t judge)
- 2 medium sweet potatoes (cut into wedges or buy pre-cut because time is money)
- 2 tbsp olive oil (or whatever oil won’t make your smoke alarm scream)
👩🍳 DIRECTIONS (AKA “HOW TO NOT FUCK IT UP”)
1️⃣ PREHEAT & PREP (THE MOST BORING STEP):
- Crank that oven to 425°F.
- Line two baking sheets with parchment (or don’t, and live your reckless life).
2️⃣ CRUST THAT CHICKEN (THE FUN PART):
- In a bowl, mix panko, Parmesan, and seasoning blend.
- Dip each tender in the beaten eggs, then roll in the crumb mix like it’s a TikTok trend.
- Lay them on a baking sheet like they’re sunbathing.
3️⃣ ROAST THOSE VEGGIES (THE “HEALTHY” PART):
- Toss green beans and sweet potato wedges with olive oil and a pinch of salt.
- Spread them on the second baking sheet (crowding is against the rules).
4️⃣ BAKE & FLIP (THE “DON’T FORGET” STEP):
- Chicken first: Bake for 15 minutes, flip, then bake 5 more minutes (or until crispy).
- Veggies: Roast for 20 minutes total (stir halfway if you remember).
5️⃣ SERVE (OR EAT STANDING OVER THE SINK):
- Plate it up like you meant to make a balanced meal.
- Optional: Dunk in marinara, ranch, or tears of gratitude from your kids.
🍃 PANDA PRO TIPS
- “No panko?” Crush up cornflakes, crackers, or even potato chips. Desperate times.
- “Too lazy to flip?” Crank the broiler for 2 minutes at the end (but watch closely).
- “Kids hate green beans?” Swap for broccoli or just hide them under the potatoes.
- “Can I make this high?” Absolutely. Just set a timer so you don’t forget it’s in the oven.
💸 UPGRADE TO MY MEAL PLANS (COMING SOON!)
“This recipe is a sneak peek of my paid meal plans, where I do the math so you don’t have to. Imagine:
✅ Macros already calculated (because who has time for that?)
✅ 4-week rotating menus (so you never hear “this again?!”)
✅ Stoner-proof prep hacks (because cooking elevated is an art form).
Want first dibs? Slide into my DMs or stalk me on Instagram. Until then, enjoy your crispy tenders.
The Potty Mouth Panda 